It might sound completely insane, but thank you. Thank you to everyone who made my 4 years of high school a living hell. I went through pain and tears daily. The name calling, the laughter in the hallways, the different Facebook pages that were made, and the posts with pictures that were posted.

I thought it would nearly destroy me, i thought i was never going to get over all the pain, the laughs, the “#Cut4Hailie”, Britney 2.0, Skrillix, death threats. All of it, haunted me, I didn’t know how to cope with any of it. I went through the school day everyday, with my whole body stiff, full of anxiety, wondering who was going to walk up to me that day. I put my whole life on pause. I didn’t want to say or do anything to cause any problems. I was forced to stop going to school for several weeks, until the school did something to stop it. I did everything in my power for it all to end. The school promised that if i was to go back to the school, it would be better. It was for a few days, and then they realized i was back, and it all came back, worse this time.

A few months passed, and it didn’t get any better. I was tired of it, i couldn’t handle it anymore. I couldn’t handle the pain, the embarrassment. All i could think that if i ended it all right then, it would end. i wouldn’t have to hear about the jokes, the pages, the pictures, the name calling. it would all be over. i could finally be away from it all. All i wanted was to feel happiness. I sat on the bathroom floor, crying, i couldn’t stop. One letter, done. Two letters, done. and so on. I got to my last letter, I was ready to let it all go. i started the water, and began to strip. As i was standing there looking at my bare body in the mirror. i stared at my body, but yet, after all of the pain, i couldnt do it. i couldn’t put my family through that pain. I stopped the water, and put my clothes back on. I put the letters in my favorite book and tucked it under my pillow. I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t say a word about the cuts, the razor blades, none of it. i let it go. and i continued to dread everyday of my life for the ones i loved.

The next week, my sister took my book, she was wanting to read it, and all the letters fell out. she looked at me, with so much pain and sorrow in her eyes. she was broken. I knew something was going to happen. But i didn’t know what it was. I heard my mom, starting to cry, she knew why i was doing it. but she couldn’t do anything to change any of it. She went through all of this before, she wasn’t new to any of it. She went through a daughter going through bullying, self harm, all of it. but no matter what she did to help. i felt way too gone, i felt so empty, like everything she said to help me did not stick with me. No words could help me realize how much i was worth.

My mom put me into therapy, to try to get everything out of my head, to find coping mechanisms instead of harming myself. The lady didn’t show me different ways to cope, but showed me how to “cut safely and clean”. she showed me how to clean my “utensils” on how to keep me from hurting any big arteries. I told my mom right after my appointment, i knew something wasn’t right when she was saying these things. My mom was not happy, with any of the things she told me. I never went back there. I found someone better, Abby Boston, the most amazing therapist anyone could ever dream of having. she listened, she told me other way to help myself, she got me on medication, she didn’t give up.

After almost a year of fighting for my happiness and fighting for everything I wanted to feel, I got it. I got it all back. I felt happy, secure with myself. My hair grew out, and i decided to shave it one more time. I felt stronger than what i was before. I felt like i loved myself way too much to let myself feel the pain that everyone was wanting me to feel.

Without my sister, without her running to my mom in such shock. I would not love myself nearly as much as i do today. Without my mom never giving up, and fighting to help me find myself again, i would be dead. Without Abby Boston, showing me so much love and security, i would not feel perfectly okay with medication, i wouldnt feel less of a human for taking something to help me mentally. Without my friends and family, i wouldnt have gotten through highschool, i wouldnt have gotten to graduate early, or go into Culinary, or to see the things i have seen. Although Paisley is not here just yet, she has already saved me, showed me how hard i can work, how strong i can be.

And after 3 years, i can finally say, I did it.